Welcome to Winter Soccer Letter # 1
Game #1 Bent Like Beckham: 0 FIGJAM: 174
From our point of view, that was a pretty close game and if we had another 4 or 5 more hours, I think we could have tied it up. Trouble is, when you're playing the Lithuanian National Soccer Team, there's really only going to be one outcome... Nevertheless, if we ever play this Team again, I'm definitely going to be asking some of them to pee in a cup, I mean really, who has 64" thighs?
As this was our first game meeting the Team, we had a round of introductions:
1. Denise "Don't Call Me MOM" Beckham
2. Stephanie "Hip-Hop-Ba-Dop" Beckham
3. Pam "I like my bread buttered on both sides" Beckham
4. Desiree "I don't care for Underwear" Beckham
5. Tony "That's not a Sock" Beckham
6. Peter "I'm never late....Mostly" Beckham
7. Carly "At least by me a drink" Beckham
8. Philippe "The Thunder from Down Under" Beckham
9. Lisa "I like to be called 'Brent'" Beckham
10. Tom "Run Like the Wind" Beckham
Anxiously Waiting in the Wings:
11. Brian "I'm somewhat partial to Men" Beckham
12. Summer "I speak goodly Engrish" Beckham
13. Chantal "What the hell is Soccer anyways?" Beckham
Our Subs - Absent but not Forgotten.
1. Tracy "Yes, they're Real and they're Fabulous" Beckham
2. Elisha "Stop staring at me Peter!!" Beckham
3. Maggie "Perhaps you've heard of me?" Magalabaditalidipulumapidid
4. Stu "Has anyone seen my Jill?" Beckham.
The game started off great, Team Bent charged onto the gym floor like a herd of raging raccoons (do raccoons actually travel in herds?) and brought the enthusiasm of a 90 year old American in Montreal, looking for cheap Meds. As Team Captain and All Around Great Guy, I thought I would jump in there head first. Not the brightest thing really as I ended up getting walloped by one of the girl players on their team. (That's right, "A Girl"). Right on the schmoozer. "Ka-Pow". I was left standing there, seeing little "Posh Spices" dancing around my head. No although the photo below isn't a very flattering photo of me, it does get the point across......"Ka-Pow". (Not a pretty sight is it)
After the first half, Tony, Philippe and Peter, shown below in the fashionable Purple (Blue) Beckham shirts, tried a new defensive move on one of the Figjam Players. This move, to be known from now on as the "Full Monty", involves finding the Best Player on the opposing Team and going Ape Sh*t on his A$$. (Literally). Although questionable in some Leagues, in the Re-Plus League of Calgary, it's completely legal and somewhat encouraged.
The next tactic that was tried, was called "The Pink Pony". Granted it does sound a little on the odd side, but it involves a full Team Effort. (uh, that's actually not the right photo below, but it gets the idea across). When "Pink Pony" is shouted the Team, using our hands, slap our thighs like crazy, imitating the sound of galloping horses. (On second thoughts, maybe that is the right photo...). Then, hopefully, the ball is in our possession and we charge towards the other Team's Goal like something from the movie Flika (yes, I've seen it). Although this has never actually resulted in a Goal, anywhere, with any Team, at anytime, I'm almost positive it will work for us. (Naturally, after an hour in the pub, it seemed like a really good idea).
The last tactic of the evening, was called the "Beckham Bomber", which is named after our foreign exchange student, Summer Beckham. This involves us running towards the other Team like an Italian on bad Gelato and trying to take out as many of their Team as possible in one gigantic swan-like dive. Is it effective? Maybe. Is it entertaining? Perhaps. Is it Summer? Yes.
Why is it called the "Beckham Bomber" you ask? Summer's friend (I use that term loosely) Desiree, informed us of Summer's more endearing qualities, which all of us took at face value since we've never met her. Anyways, these include the following: Summer is 6'8", 425lbs, has a lazy eye, one arm, her inability to form a simple sentence in English, a huge calcium hump on her back that's covered in hair, knobby knees (from too many late nights at the office), the I.Q. of a 15 year old Russian Stable Boy and the soccer skills of a broom. Not a nice broom, but a broom all the same.
The reason that she wasn't able to play soccer with us last Thursday was because the circus was in town and she wanted to visit her relatives. So, after hearing all of this and being the sensitive Team that we are, I feel that I am speaking for everyone when I tell Summer "Sorry, but you're cut" Hand in your shirt and don't forget to leave your $40 on the table. Anyways, let's get on with the Letter.
Real Game Strategy Stuff:
Next Game, we're going to try something different which is a sure winner:
(1) Forward - stays up past the half way line.
(2) Wingers - who have to run up and down the sides and cover both halves of the gym.
(1) Defense - stays within 5-10 feet of the goal
That's all I've got. Last Season, our Team watched the following movie for a little Team Building, I think it worked. So if you're by your local video store, check this out.
Go "Bend" It!!! (That's for you Stu)
Team Coach/Captain and All Around Great Guy
Voted Most Likely to be a Mascot at Disneyland.