Winter 2007 Soccer Letter #6

 

Game #5: Bent Like Beckham: 1 My Hammy Vice: Just a few more

 

What can we say? Somehow we lost to the Team with the Dumbest Name in the League. “My Hammy Vice”? Come on? What is that? Are you telling me the greatest team in the history of Thursday night recreational soccer, Bent Like Beckham, lost to a team named by combining a plate of assorted cold cuts and two men of a questionable sexual orientation? My Hammy Vice? Good Grief.

 

But, for a moment, let’s put that game behind and focus on a part of the Team that just doesn’t get enough recognition. Like all good teams, Bent Like Beckham owes a lot of our success, both on and off the field, to our team management and loose assortment of advisors, groupies and other semi-professionals who’s immediate titles and exact contributions to the team, somehow seem to escape me at the moment. None the less, this soccer letter, Soccer Letter #6, is dedicated to those members of Bent Like Beckham who’s real efforts make our Team one of the greatest soccer teams in SW Calgary, on a Thursday Night, sometime in March. So let’s get on with the introductions.

 

 

Sacha Baron Cohen-SPX-001596.jpg

 

 

Team Cultural Liaison and Etiquette Advisor – Borat

 

Sure, the guy can barely speak English and he’s about as bright as a 5W light bulb, but let’s not forget that he’s also rude, crude, and somewhat mildly offensive; he carries chickens in a briefcase, hits on anything in a skirt and has a strange obsession with short burly men from Kazakhstan.

 

However, under Borat’s guidance, Bent Like Beckham will hope to answer such burning questions as (1) Which fork is the salad fork anyways? (2) How do you properly address the winner of the Miss Oral Pageant? (It’s actually a City in Kazakhstan), and (3) If your grand mother-in-law hits on you during dinner, do you continue to make polite conversation or give her an opportunity to put her teeth back in and meet her in the guest washroom?

 

All of these questions and more will no doubt lead to international super-stardom and more than likely, a brief, but strangely pleasant stay in a Cambodian prison.

 

 

Team Sensitivity Coach – Simon Cowell.

 

In a world full of political correctness, Bent Like Beckham has gone the extra mile by hiring a Sensitivity Coach to ensure that our Team doesn’t cross that imaginary line. It’s not that we choose to ignore the line, it’s just that for our Team, it’s not painted in a bright enough color for us to notice it in the first place. So let’s take a page out of Simon’s book and take a look at a few of his comments from American Idol.

 

  1. Did you really believe you could become the American Idol? Well, then, you're deaf.
  2. I don't mean to be rude, but you look like The Incredible Hulk's wife.
  3. If your lifeguard duties were as good as your singing, a lot of people would be drowning.
  4. My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't.
  5. Shave off your beard and wear a dress. You would be a great female impersonator.
  6. You take singing lessons? Do you have a lawyer? Get a lawyer and sue your teacher.
  7. You and Latin music go together like chocolate ice cream and an onion.
  8. Women say hello and then put their hands down my trousers. I thought it was my hand they were supposed to shake.

 

 

Gisele Bundchen

 

 

Ball Boy – Gisele Bundchen

 

You had to think, that with equal opportunity, Bent Like Beckham had to be stuck with at least one girl in our Management Team. So, we happen to be stuck with Victoria Secret runway model, Gisele Bundchen.

 

I know, I know. Of all the people that we had to interview, one of them just happened to be a Lingerie Model. Drat. The interview process was a lengthy 5 minutes, with really only one question: “As Bent Like Beckham Ball “Boy”, how are you at handling other people’s balls”?? I’m happy to say, Gisele got the answer right. Welcome aboard.

 

 

 

Equipment Manager – James Bond

 

Really. Could there be anyone else? Equipment and Gadgets and James Bond go hand in hand. Like Sonny and Cher, Pork and Rinds, Beck and Ham.

 

After single handedly defeating twelve criminal masterminds, eight evil geniuses and fourteen corrupt and power hungry countries run by blood thirsty dictators, James Bond was looking for a little down time, a little R and R you might say. When the position of Bent Like Beckham Equipment Manager popped up, James, jumped at the opportunity. Being a secret agent is nice, but washing Peter’s Jock on a full time basis is a once in a lifetime opportunity. The photo to the left is a quick snapshot of James Bond politely asking Peter to stop throwing his jock in his face after every game.

 

 

 

 

Team Nutritionist & Health Guru - Chris Sligh

 

Now, I’m not saying that American Idol contestant Chris Sligh, is the “Best” pick for our Team Nutritionist, I mean, his suggested Nutritional Pick-Me-Up for the Team did have some of us wondering..

 

A lightly buttered scone, filled with half a pound of Canadian Cheddar; three fried eggs; five strips of bacon; a pound of Licorice Allsorts each individually dipped in melted butter and bacon fat and two Mars Bars hollowed out and stuffed with Ukrainian Sausage. This mouth-watering delight is then smothered in a unique sauce that is one part cottage cheese, one part hollandaise and two parts Red Bull. This culinary masterpiece has been fondly referred to by Chris, as the “Beckwich”.

 

MMMMM. The only draw back is, once you have two or three of these before each game, winning becomes less of a concern, and really, more of a health risk.

“Get Ben…Argh” …….Thud!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So if you see any of these people at the next game, go up to them and give them a hug, seeing the twinkle in their eye will be worth it. See you at the next game

 

Tom Beckham, Team Captain Extraordinaire and Voted Most Likely to Multi-Task.