Welcome to Spring Soccer Letter #1. I’m sure I can hear you all saying, “Spring Soccer Letter #1? Gee willikers, it’s only February, why would we deserve such a fantastic treat like this so early in the year”? Well, Spring registration is just around the corner and with our first game scheduled for mid April, I wanted to take this opportunity to provide a somewhat “motivational photo” of the Bent Like Beckham Ladies Squad 2008 (see below). This may have been a favorite from previous letters, but I’m sure we’ll find it just as motivational now, as we did then.
This photo also provides an opportunity to illustrate the new 2008 team uniforms. I’m sure that I can speak for everyone, when I say that we’ll all look forward to seeing the team in these new kits and we’ll especially look forward, with eager anticipation, for Peter and Brian to be sporting one of these sassy little numbers. If you’d like to make your own practice jerseys before hand, all you’ll need is a kid’s shirt, size XX Small and a large pair of scissors.
While trying to figure out which team jerseys are shown here (it took me four hours of non-stop review), I was suddenly struck by the lack of expression on some of the girl’s faces. They all look like they are trying to figure out some complex quantum physics equation while at the same time, trying to remember where they left their car keys. Not convinced, take another look at the photo. For example, look at the girl in the striped shirt, first row right. If you can manage to get past her “jersey”, look at the girl over her left shoulder and you’ll see what I mean. By the way, is that Jennifer Aniston from Friends in the first row, center? And I’m not sure what the girl in the first row, far left had for breakfast, but by the look of things, it’s causing her a little grief and discomfort…
Now that we’re all properly motivated, let’s talk nutrition and if part of your daily breakfast involves toasting bagels or bread, the question of the day is why do toasters have a Number 7 and 8 setting, when the Number 6 setting already burns everything? Why would you build something with the settings of raw, somewhat raw, crispy, burnt and complete ash?
I mean, we all know what toast is, right? We’ve all eaten toast? We all like toast, and yet there are teams of Engineers around the world, who won’t be completely satisfied until there’s a setting that actually gives you a tan while you wait for your blueberry bagel to pop up. I think it’s a complete mystery. But then not as much as mystery as the photo at left.
This toaster cooks your hot dogs and buns at the same time? Exactly how many hot dogs I wonder, would you need to be eating every day, to think this was a good idea in your kitchen? 10? 20? 100? And see, there aren’t any separate settings. If this thing can actually cook hotdogs, should the setting of rare, medium, well done and extra crispy really be on a toaster anyways? Well, there, I think we’re really getting things sorted out, and by the end of the season; we’ll have made the world a better place. Now, back to soccer.
For those of you who may be wondering, what in the world is this Soccer Letter thing and don’t really remember agreeing to be on one of the best soccer teams in the world? Well, surprise, you did and you are.
If it is a surprise to you, then odds are, you probably won’t remember this photo of you in the striped shirt at our Try-Outs. True, the 15 rounds of tequila shooters weren’t the best idea, but from the looks of the photo, it probably couldn’t hurt. (I’m only speaking about the tequila). The Try-Outs were a personal choice and a suggestion by Team Equipment Manager, Tony Beckham. Tony likes to try out all of his equipment before the Season Opener (yes, that is code for something else), so if he approaches you to test his equipment, the option is yours, all I ask is that you remember this photo.
Bent Like Beckham jerseys are the traditional Tie-Dye kit. An annual jersey-making day is held prior to the season where yes, you get to make your very own jersey. As part of our BLB Lessons Learned, please note the following:
· Don’t buy the 10 t-shirts for $4 special at Walmart. Chances are, they’ll shrink to a kids size on the first wash and will be a complete dishrag after two games. Why this happens you ask? Because they’re 10 shirts for $4 stupid! What kind of quality did you think you were getting for 40 cents a shirt? Next Lesson.
· Tie-Dying the sweater your mother gave you for your 14th birthday, is neither a good idea nor practical for summer soccer. Last summer, we enjoyed several games with +30C temperatures; please note, blue skin isn’t all that attractive.
· Socks and underwear are optional and should be always be done in private. And should a camera be available, our Bent Like Beckham privacy statement, to which apparently, none exists, will be referred to on an as needed basis.
· Our last Lessons Learned is not to wash your freshly minted Tie-Dye shirt in the wash with the rest of your laundry three hours after making the shirt. What were you thinking Philippe? Enough said. Let’s move on.
For some tips and suggestions on how to Tie-Dye, check out this spot: http://www.expertvillage.com/video-series/197_tie-dye-clips.htm
So, expect these letters on a semi-frequent basis, (ie: two or so a year) and they’ll be full of tips on how to improve your game, your I.Q Level, your love life and more importantly how to look and act like a soccer star. Because if you can’t play, at least look the part.
Team Captain, Coach, Super Star and All Around Great Guy