A Division of Bent Like Beckham Worldwide

Welcome to Spring Soccer Letter No. 2

Game 3 Report

2 Meter Peters 2 and a bit – Puff, Puff Pass – 9 and then some

Once again, the Team was forced to take to the pitch with a shortened bench.  Patrick was relegated to fan status due to a seriously dislocated big toe suffered attempting an extremely complicated move that he saw on www.footiehotties.com and which is not easily put into words.  So, I’m not going to even try.  Suffice it to say, it involved a soccer ball, a wall and a Nigerian dwarf goat.  You can figure out the rest.



Even though he was hobbled with a toe that pointed south while he was walking north, Patrick showed up to cheer on his mates.  AND he brought beer. 

All hail Patrick, a real team player, gentleman and quite possibly the greatest man who has ever walked (limped) across the face of this Earth we call home.

Those 25 words will never be spoken of Team Manager and generally passable fellow, Tom, who was AWOL with the lamest excuse since Stuart built a deck.  He stayed home with all of the cones, goalie gloves and the big bag of balls, because …. “It’s Mother’s Day and the floor guy is coming tomorrow.”

Tracy never used to wait for the day after Mother’s Day to meet with the floor guy, but obviously times have changed.  Tom had all week to pick up all of his socks and underpants before the floor guy arrived, but apparently he put off this simple task until 6:30 PM on Sunday night.  


So, the team had to make do without its two best players (one of whom brought beer) while Tom stayed home picking up socks and underpants. 

Those few who did appear represented.  There was Sandro, still limping from his own mangled toe.  Brian, scoring from all over the field.  Brigitte, making le magic happen all over le pitch.  Amalie, botter le cul at en pregnant des noms (“kicking zee ass and taking zee names”) and Peter, running around like he did not have a clue.

Together these few, these proud, these men and women of Beckham, were utterly overwhelmed by the speed, youth and skill of the opposing 6.  It was bloody and brief.  Brief and bloody.  Like the bloody briefs Tom was picking up off his living room floor.

As Forrest Gump might say, that’s all I have to say about that.


In Other Soccer News:

1.            The Team offers a hearty “Get Bent!” and also a hearty “get well soon” to 93 year old Mabel Smith, who was seriously injured celebrating a rare Peter Crouch goal during Stoke City’s final game of the season.  Mabel has attended every game the “Potters” have played since 1949 and needed seven stitches after getting clobbered by a group of enthusiastic fans (i.e.; mob of hooligans) during the celebration of Peter C’s 7th goal of the year (the same as Brian has racked up in three short games).  Mabel promises to be back for Stoke City’s home opener in September.  If only Tom had that kind of dedication and commitment to his team.

2.           Team Chairman for eternity and then some, David Beckham, announced his retirement from the beautiful game.  http://l.yimg.com/os/publish-images/ivy/2013-03-18/a1510540-8368-4967-ba69-e51ab1906e84_TheOnion.jpg took time out from bawling like little British girls to look back on the highlights of an illustrious career: 


·                  1993: Signs first professional contract at Old Trafford, with a guaranteed signing bonus of 3 million soccer balls

·                  1994: Plays season on loan from Manchester United with the Hiawatha, IA Youth Soccer League Boys U12 Wildcats

·                  1997: Caps off Premier League–winning season that included memorable victories against Manchester United foes Coventry City, Southampton, Sheffield Wednesday, Percy of the Hills, Friendly Arthur, Burbridge Tickles, and Nottingham Forest

·                  1998: Infamously receives a red card during the World Cup after kicking out at Argentina’s Diego Simeone, an incident that would leave the South American with incredibly serious fake injuries

·                  1999: Begins dating Spice Girl Victoria “Posh Spice” Adams, leading to the British tabloids nicknaming the couple “Posh Spice and David Beckham”

·                  2005: Following Real Madrid’s victory over Barcelona, Beckham’s mother forgets to pick up her son, leaving him to wait in the parking lot for like two hours

·                  2007: Makes hotly anticipated MLS debut before crowd of 30 screaming Galaxy fans

·                  2010: Tears Achilles tendon, even though he was just playing soccer

·                  2011: Wins an MLS cup with the LA Galaxy, completing the Triple Who-Gives-A-Shit Crown

This week’s Soccer Letter is brought to you by Team England, Abigail Crouch and body paint.