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Welcome to Amended Spring Soccer Letter No. 4

Game 6 Report

2 Meter Peters 3 – Victorious Secrets 3

The rain let up just as the Team took to the pitch for the last game of the regular season with a lot on the line.  A win would lock up 6th place, and a loss would drop us all the way to 7th.   The game finished in a tie at the end, securing 6th place and a chance to win the fifth place trophy in the playoffs.  It was a great night for soccer, and mosquitoes, but mostly for soccer. Here’s how the brave and stalwart men and women of the 2 Meter Peters fared on Sunday night:



Tom was a monster on this night, carrying the ball down the sideline time and again until he ran out of field.  He deked, he feinted and then he actually fainted.  But he got back up again and ran around some more.  There’s no keeping a good man, or Tom, down.

At the end of the game, Tom made everyone just a little un comfortable when he confessed, “anal sex is a lot like my first car … I didn’t really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.”



Patrick was off on some vacation or something, so nominal team Captain Peter took over between the pipes.  After a rough start, and thanks to the cross bar, he was able to keep things close in the second half until the 2 Meter Peters could get their scorers going.

After hearing Tom’s awkward confession, Peter added, “I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she had an orgasm.  I didn’t mind too much, until I found out she was faking them.”



It was Sandro who got the team back in the game after the Victorious Secrets ran up an early 3-nil lead.   Sandro scored twice; the first was a beauty and the second was even prettier than that. 

Sandro decided he had to get something off of his chest, so he tolf everyone that his wife had asked him if he had any fantasies.  He said, “yeah I’ve got this one where we are complete strangers and we’ve never met.  “Oooh,” she said.  “And then you pick me up in a bar or something?”  “No,” I replied.  “Just the first part.”



Tracy turned in her usual tenacious game on defence.  It eventuallky reached to point where the other team shouted to each other to “stay away from the redhead!” That’s actually good advice generally.

Tracy was more disturbed than usual by Tom, Peter and Sandro’s conversation, so she decided to lighten things up a bit by telling the story about the day her Dad met these two big boned lasses at at the pub.  After listening in on their conversation for a few minutes, he pipes up, “that’s quite an accent you two have.  Are you ladies from Ireland or Scotland?”

"Wales, you idiot," one of them replies.

          "Sorry," says Tracy’s Dad.  "Are you two whales from Ireland or Scotland?”


The first third of the French Triple Threat, Brigitte did it all.  She ran, kicked some shins and then kicked a few more.    Ooh la la.

That was when Brigitte told the story of her bus ride that morning with her new baby.  She started breastfeeding but the baby wouldn't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here".

The fellow says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"



The other team was unable to handle Amalie cursing at them in French the whole game.  It was “Casse-toi!”here and “troudoc”there and even the odd “conneries” when some real branleur had it coming. 

Amalie had her own story tot ell.  She had been out at the pub with the girls a few nights earlier and had a few too many pints of crème de menthe.  Knowing that she had a little too much to drink, she did something that she’d never done before. She took the bus home! She arrived safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as she had never driven a bus before...




Phillipe was a bear on the pitch, unleashing Le Boom at will and sending the twenty somethings on the other side ranning to the sidelines in terror.  Just another day at the office for France’s most feared kicking leg.

That was when Phillipe sheepishly explained what happened to him after he’d had a few too many Grand Marniers earlier that week.  He got home from the pub at 3am in the morning and his wife screamed "Where have you been!?" Phil said "I left the pub at 11pm, but I was so drunk it took me 4 hours to find our house. I've been across fields, through bushes and I've got some really deep scratches". She said "Well that's stupid, why didn't you just get a cab?" So Phillipe said, "Because I had the car".



Brian got his usual goal and made the other goalie tremble more than once as he dipped and doodled his way through and taking shot after shot, each one cheekier than the last, on goal.

Brian was asked to explain why he had started wearing an earring.  "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replied sheepishly.

But Tom wouldn’t let it go and asked him, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since Breanne found it in my truck!"

In Other Soccer News:

·         Just in time for Father’s Day, David Beckham has been named “England’s Greatest Dad” by the Daily Express. 


This week’s Soccer Letter is brought to you by 50 Pounds of David Beckham.