Spring 2007 Soccer Letter #4   Golden Marigold Flower                                                                                                             


Dear Beckham


In the absence of Tom "Team Captain and All Around Average Guy", it has fallen upon me to lead Bent Like Beckham onto our inevitable victory this weekend.   And, be clear, victory this weekend is inevitable.  It is nigh.  Yeh verily, victory is nigh.  This victory is so nigh that Vegas bookies have taken this game off the board.  That is how nigh we are talking about.  Pretty freaking nigh. 


This weekend we have some team of mild mannered gentle church going souls who go by the name CHUCK NORRIS and the ROUNDHOUSE KICKS.  With a name like that, I'm expecting a fairly low key, passive time.  But you might want to pack the metal cup in you bag (or pack your bag with the metal cup, your choice) this weekend.


Please let me know if you can't make it.  We're short a couple of soccer gods (ok, we are short Tom and a soccer goddess) so attendance is, as always, mandatory.  Absentees will be assessed a 2 jug fine.  No Desiree, THOSE jugs do NOT count.




Go Bend It!!

Go Pink Pony!!!!!!



Game #4:        Bent Like Beckham:  4      Man Chest Hair United:  3



It was a cold and stormy night when Bent Like Beckham strode onto the pitch to face heretofore[1] undefeated Man Chest Hair United (sounds like ‘Manchester United,‘ get it?).  But, did that stop Bent Like Beckham?  Oh no, it di-int. 


The team took to the pitch like a team possessed, dashing up the sidelines, jumping into the gaps and charging madly about the field.  Was this new determination a result of the Bent Like Beckham patented training program, or merely a desperate effort by the team to stay warm?  Who can say?  The first half was barely halfway gone when Brian, finally recovered from all the haggis he ate in Scotland, burst through the MCHU defence and rang up his first goal of the night. 



The crowd went wild.  Pictured above is Bent Like Beckham’s most enthusiastic fan Ron B., shouting at Brian to quit celebrating and get back out there and try a little harder.  Thanks for the support, Ron.


The first half drew to a close, with the Bent side clinging to a slim 1-nil lead.  Not many teams would try to squat on a 1 goal lead for the entire second half, but Bent Like Beckham gave it a go anyway, dropping five defenders deep to support team keeper, Stu, who normally plays without any support.  (Stu claims that he finds most athletic supporters ‘too confining’.  He elaborated unnecessarily that ‘my boys gotta breathe.  My spurs gotta jingle jangle.’  That’ll do, Stu, that’ll do.)


Within 90 seconds, the team’s tepid commitment to defence had resulted in 2 quick goals against.  The Man Chest Hair team was pressing when team stalwart, Tracy took control of the ball at the top of the crease, dribbled around the entire MCHU side and delivered a blistering shot.  The goalie made a miraculous save, but could not hope to control the rebound.  Nobody could have.  The ball bounced right to Peter, bounced off his knee and dribbled across the line.





And the fans went wild … again.  Ron remarked grumpily that even a little bitty baby could have scored that goal and that the team better start getting serious. 


And serious they got.  Andrew broke up a Man Chest rush with his Man Chest.  Rannie leveled the speedy guy with too much cologne.  Summer bruised the shins of anyone who tried to get past her.  Tony kicked the ball high and deep.  Way way deep.  Laura led the rush time and again.  Philippe patrolled the back end, collecting the ball and delivering it up the pitch with a mighty La-Boom!!  Tom missed a wide open net.  As usual.  Des ran around hollering and waving her arms like a lunatic.  


But, as usual, it was Brian and Steve who led the offence.  Steve hit the goal post twice.  Then Brian did him two better and scored twice.  “You see,” Brian explained, “the trick is to shoot it between the posts.”



By now, the crowd was getting pretty wild.  Perhaps it was the Pink Ponies.  Even Ron allowed as how maybe, just maybe, the team did not actually suck all that much.  Then, Team Man Chest Hair scored another one and Ron promptly took it back. 


With 10 minutes to go, Bent Like Beckham led by but one goal, but they still had a one desperate trick up their tie dyed sleeves:  Stuart’s shoelaces.  Stu set up a goal kick and successfully chewed up the 8 and a half minutes remaining on the clock tying his shoes.  It was a stroke of evil genius and won Stu the coveted Posh Cup (it’s a D Cup) as the Star of the Game.  Well done, Stu.     





·               On Sunday, Chelsea defeated Manchester United 1-nil to win the FA Cup.  So, for the second time in a week, a team with a name that rhymes with Sam Blister Poo Knight Ned lost a big game.  Losers.


·               The BBC reports that Bayern Munich have agreed to sell Owen Hargreaves to United for £17,000,000.00.  SEVENTEEN MILLION FREAKING POUNDS.  Don’t you wish that you had done what Owen did, that is, started playing soccer when you were two and stuck with it?  Instead, you wasted your whole life going to school, getting an education and trying to make a good life for yourself.  Idiot.


·               On Tuesday, Sofia Loren announced that she will strip naked if her home team, Napoli, is promoted from the Italian Serie B Division to the A Division.  Where was this offer 50 years ago?  Sofia is 72 years old and has, like, 12 grandkids or something.   Anyway, Napoli will be promoted if it finishes the season 10 points ahead of 4th place Rimini.  I think I speak for all of us when I say "Go Rimini!!


Next up:  A bunch of fun loving guys with the mild mannered name “Chuck Norris and the Roundhouse Kicks.”  Should be hugs all around.  Sofia Loren has promised NOT to strip naked should Bent Like Beckham win the game.  Kick-off is at 6:30 PM sharp at Ecole la Rose Sauvage (Pink Savage School) -- 2512  4th Street NW,  Attendance is, of course, mandatory.


See you all at the big game.




Peter Beckham

Alternate Team Captain and Passably Decent Fellow



Team Chairman for Life

[1]Team Captain and all around great guy, Tom, has taken his family, including Tracy, Bent Like Beckham’s all star defender, forward to Manchester on vacation.  As a result, this letter has been written by a lawyer.  Sorry about the hereinbefores, thereins and notwithstandings you are likely to have to wade through reading this.