Spring 2007 Soccer Letter #5 Golden Marigold Flower

 

 

Game #5: Bent Like Beckham: 7. Yes, that’s right: 7 freaking goals.

Chuck Norris and the Roundhouse Kicks: A mere 4[1]

 

Welcome to Spring Soccer Letter #5

There are those out there who think that Chuck Norris is some sort of a “tough guy”. This is not so. Here are some things you should know about Chuck Norris:

 

·               Chuck likes girl drinks. The kind that come with lots of fruit in a cup shaped like a tiki. Chuck would love a Pink Pony.

·               Chuck still plays with Barbies

·               Chuck cried during the last episode of Gilmore Girls. Chuck cried a lot.

·               Chuck never orders fries; he always gets the salad on the side

·               Chuck wears a thong. A lacy pink thong with sequined hearts on it.

·               Chuck sits down to pee



 

 

 

So … what kind of team names themselves after a guy like that? A pretty good team, it turns out … but not so good as Bent Like Beckham. Not on this night, anyway.

 

Sunday, May 27 was a beautiful sunny day. And it remained sunny and gorgeous right up until kickoff. Then, it stated to pour.

 

Team Captain and all around average bloke, Tom, took his good wife, and all around soccer goddess, Tracy to Manchester on vacation. (what kind of guy takes his soulmate to Manchester you ask? I confess that I have no idea. Nor does anyone else. By all accounts, Manchester is a bit of a hole. But then, so is Tom).

 

Indeed, Manchester is such a sodden rainy place, that there is even a song about it – the chorus goes like this:


As you dry your clothes once again
Upon the radiator
If rain makes Britain great

Then Manchester is greater[2]

 

Well, if rain makes Britain great, then the pitch at Ecole Rose Sauvage (trans: Pink Savage School) is greater yet. I say this because it positively pissed there during the game. Except when it stopped: that’s when the bugs came out. Happily, the rain came back and chased the bugs away. The point of this lame digression is that I hope Tom and Tracy are enjoying their vacation and that they are getting rained on a lot (it keeps the bugs down, you see).

 

But on to the game: Bent Like Beckham found itself short a few chicks (hard to believe that the man meat on this team can’t get all the soccer chicks they could dream of every Sunday night, I know) and so semi-official team mascot Josie was pressed into service. Here’s Josie posing just before kickoff:

 

 

And here’s Stuart telling her to put some damn clothes on:

 

 

In spite of her wardrobe, Josie proved that she’s played the field a bit and really knows how to handle her balls. Josie made a difference. Thanks for pitching in.

 

The game was a bit of a ping pong match, with each keeper kicking the ball to the other in turn, until Brian was able to reach up, pull down a ball and direct it into the Norris goal to make it 1-nil Beckham. Attaboy, Brian.

 

Once Brian broke the seal, the two teams traded chances, with the wrong side pulling in front briefly until speedy Steve broke through the defence to tie things up at deuces. Or maybe Brian got that one. It was hard to tell. Steve and Brian’s game was reminiscent of Zan and Jayna, the Wonder Twins.

 

 

Whenever Bent Like Beckham needed a goal, it was “Wonder Twin powers, Activate!” with taking the form of a ferocious beast and Brian right beside him, taking the form of a puddle. Or the other way around. Who can say for sure? But I believe Brian finished the night with 3 goals (or was that Steve?) and Steve had two (or was that Brian?). However you do the math, the Wonder Twins scored enough goals between them to put Bent Like Beckham over the top this night.

 

But these were not the only highlights of the night. At around the 20 minute and 23 second mark of the game, Summer successfully executed a header. No big deal, I know, but Summer specifically asked that record reflect (and this is the record right here, you are reading it now), that she gives good head. So, the record hereby reflects that Summer gives good head. Good job, Summer.

 

And the goals just kept coming. Laura broke through the defence to stuff the ball right in Chuck Norris’ roundhouse. Then Peter scored a nifty goal on a really nifty move.

 

YES, THAT’S RIGHT … PETER SCORED ANOTHER GOAL!! HUZZAH!!

 

And the fans went, predictably, wild:

 

 

Soon afterwards, Des cracked a ball from the top of the box that curled past the keeper’s outstretched arms and rang off the goal post. It is almost certain that if the ball had actually gone in that the world would have actually slowed down and stopped turning for a moment, before it started up again. Des grumbled as she walked off the pitch that if she just had another four inches there, she could have put it in. This is not the first time that Andrew has heard this.

 

Andrew had a pretty slick goal of his own a few moments later. He gathered the ball in near the post and then flicked it past the stunned keeper. Unfortunately, the stunned keeper was our very own Stu. But that was all the scoring Chuck’s team would get, and Bent Like Beckham ran away with an unheard of 7-4 victory.

 

So, where does that leave us? With one game left in the regular season, the league standings look like this:

 

 

Rank

Team Name

Games Won

Lost

Tied

PLS

Spirit Points

Max Spirit

Total PTS

Goals For

Against

Differential

1

Jimmy Hat Tricks

4

1

0

0

5

5

13

27

15

12

2

Team Awesomeballs

3

1

1

0

4

5

11

31

20

11

3

Scoregasm -

3

2

0

0

5

5

11

27

18

9

4

Bent Like Beckham

3

2

0

0

5

5

11

23

24

-1

5

Man Chest Hair United

3

2

0

0

4

5

10

32

25

7

6

Turf Dribblers

3

2

0

0

4

5

10

30

23

7

7

Lanmark Lightning -

2

3

0

0

4

5

8

23

27

-4

8

Chuck Norris and the Roundhouse Kicks

2

2

1

0

2

5

7

24

19

5

9

Wild Things

1

4

0

0

4

5

6

20

38

-18

10

Kick Balls

0

5

0

0

2

5

2

13

41

-28

 

Yes, you’re reading that correctly – Bent Like Beckham is sitting pretty in 4th place. A win this Sunday will clinch a spot in the top four and a shot at the Championship T-Shirts. No, seriously, that’s what a win gets us. Stop laughing, I’m serious.

 

Go Bend It!!

 

 

 


In Other Soccer News:

 

·               Soccer fans were ecstatic Saturday when BLB Team Chairman for Life, David Beckham, was recalled to the English national team. He will be suiting up for a match against Brazil on Friday and Estonia on Wednesday.

·               There is a real actual David Beckham Soccer School . Seriously. I can’t make this shit up. Frankly, it would be harder to make shit up than it is to just link to actual real shit.

·               The New York Daily News reports that Posh Beckham was spotted this week outside the West Hollywood sex shop “Pleasure Chest." Apparently, she brought along a big blow-up doll dressed just like her to act as a decoy (???) and spent 45 minutes browsing the bedroom boutique which for kinky costumes and other titillating toys, including, no doubt, the anal intruder™.

 

Sofia Loren Update:

 

Readers of these letters will no doubt recall that aged Italian screen star, Sofia Loren has promised to strip naked should her favorite team, SSC Napoli, win promotion from the Serie B Division of the Italian Soccer League to Serie A. Napoli will earn promotion if it finishes the season 10 points ahead of fourth place Rimini.

 

Sadly, things have now reached crisis proportions. With but two games to go in the season, Napoli has moved 12 points clear of Rimini and promotion is all but ensured. And, please remember, this is not the Sofia Loren that will be doing the stripping:

 

 

This is:

 

 

Go Rimini.

 

PostScript:

 

The Greatest Soccer Team in the World also hosts the greatest website in the world. Among the things that the guys who run that website can check are the Google search strings that bring visitors to our humble site. In this way, we learned that both Carly and Summer have stalkers. But this month, one of the search strings that resulted in a visit to our modest site was “captain muscle”.

Look, I can’t make this shit up. But, I’m pretty sure they were looking for me.

 

That’s all for this week. Next week Tom and Tracy have promised to rush from the airport to the pitch to join the team in its regular season finale against the Wild Things.

 

 

 

 

Get Bent!!!



[1] And Andrew scored one of those.

[2] This is from a song called “Manchester” by the Beautiful South. Which is a really cool band with lots of really cool songs. And I’m not just saying that.