Game #5: Bent Like Beckham: 7. Yes, that’s right: 7 freaking
Chuck Norris and the Roundhouse Kicks: A mere
Welcome to Spring Soccer Letter #5
are those out there who think that Chuck Norris is some sort of a “tough
guy”. This is not so. Here are some things you should know about
Chuck likes girl drinks.
The kind that come with lots of fruit in a cup shaped like a tiki. Chuck would love a Pink Pony.
Chuck still plays with Barbies
Chuck cried during the last episode of Gilmore Girls. Chuck cried a lot.
Chuck never orders fries; he always gets the salad on the side
Chuck wears a thong. A
lacy pink thong with sequined hearts on it.
Chuck sits down to pee
So … what kind of
team names themselves after a guy like that?
A pretty good team, it turns out … but not so good as Bent Like
Beckham. Not on this night, anyway.
Sunday, May 27 was a
beautiful sunny day. And it remained sunny and gorgeous right up until
kickoff. Then, it stated to pour.
Team Captain and all
around average bloke, Tom, took his good wife, and all around soccer goddess,
Tracy to Manchester on vacation. (what
kind of guy takes his soulmate to Manchester you ask? I confess that I have no idea.
Nor does anyone else. By all
accounts, Manchester is a bit of a hole.
But then, so is Tom).
Indeed, Manchester is
such a sodden rainy place, that there is even a song about it – the chorus goes
As you dry your clothes once again
Upon the radiator
If rain makes Britain great
Manchester is greater
Well, if rain makes
Britain great, then the pitch at Ecole Rose Sauvage (trans: Pink Savage School) is greater yet. I say this because it positively pissed
there during the game. Except when it
stopped: that’s when the bugs came
out. Happily, the rain came back and
chased the bugs away. The point of
this lame digression is that I hope Tom and Tracy are enjoying their vacation
and that they are getting rained on a lot (it keeps the bugs down, you see).
But on to the
game: Bent Like Beckham found
itself short a few chicks (hard to believe that the man meat on this team can’t
get all the soccer chicks they could dream of every Sunday night, I know) and
so semi-official team mascot Josie was pressed into service. Here’s Josie posing just before kickoff:
And here’s Stuart telling
her to put some damn clothes on:
In spite of her
wardrobe, Josie proved that she’s played the field a bit and really knows how
to handle her balls. Josie made a
difference. Thanks for pitching in.
The game was a bit of
a ping pong match, with each keeper kicking the ball to the other in turn,
until Brian was able to reach up, pull down a ball and direct it into the
Norris goal to make it 1-nil Beckham.
Once Brian broke the
seal, the two teams traded chances, with the wrong side pulling in front
briefly until speedy Steve broke through the defence to tie things up at
deuces. Or maybe Brian got that
one. It was hard to tell. Steve and Brian’s game was reminiscent of
Zan and Jayna, the Wonder Twins.
Whenever Bent Like
Beckham needed a goal, it was “Wonder Twin powers, Activate!” with taking the
form of a ferocious beast and Brian right beside him, taking the form of a
puddle. Or the other way around. Who can say for sure? But I believe Brian finished the night with
3 goals (or was that Steve?) and Steve had two (or was that Brian?). However
you do the math, the Wonder Twins scored enough goals between them to put Bent
Like Beckham over the top this night.
But these were not
the only highlights of the night. At
around the 20 minute and 23 second mark of the game, Summer successfully
executed a header. No big deal, I know,
but Summer specifically asked that record reflect (and this is the record right
here, you are reading it now), that she gives good head. So, the record hereby reflects that Summer
gives good head. Good job, Summer.
And the goals just
kept coming. Laura broke through the defence
to stuff the ball right in Chuck Norris’ roundhouse. Then Peter scored a nifty goal on a really nifty move.
YES, THAT’S RIGHT
… PETER SCORED ANOTHER GOAL!!
And the fans went,
Soon afterwards, Des
cracked a ball from the top of the box that curled past the keeper’s
outstretched arms and rang off the goal post.
It is almost certain that if the ball had actually gone in that the
world would have actually slowed down and stopped turning for a moment, before
it started up again. Des grumbled as
she walked off the pitch that if she just had another four inches there, she
could have put it in. This is not the
first time that Andrew has heard this.
Andrew had a pretty
slick goal of his own a few moments later.
He gathered the ball in near the post and then flicked it past the
stunned keeper. Unfortunately, the
stunned keeper was our very own Stu. But that was all the scoring Chuck’s team
would get, and Bent Like Beckham ran away with an unheard of 7-4 victory.
So, where does that
leave us? With one game left in the
regular season, the league standings look like this:
Jimmy Hat Tricks
Bent Like Beckham
Man Chest Hair United
Lanmark Lightning -
Norris and the Roundhouse Kicks
Yes, you’re reading
that correctly – Bent Like Beckham is sitting pretty in 4th place. A win this Sunday will clinch a spot in the
top four and a shot at the Championship T-Shirts. No, seriously, that’s what a win gets us. Stop laughing, I’m serious.
Go Bend It!!
In Other Soccer News:
Soccer fans were ecstatic Saturday when BLB Team Chairman for Life,
David Beckham, was recalled
to the English national team. He will
be suiting up for a match against Brazil on Friday and Estonia on
There is a real actual David Beckham Soccer
School . Seriously. I can’t make this shit up. Frankly, it would be harder to make shit up
than it is to just link to actual real shit.
The New York Daily News reports that Posh Beckham was spotted this
week outside the West Hollywood sex shop “Pleasure Chest." Apparently, she brought along a big blow-up
doll dressed just like her to act as a decoy (???) and spent 45 minutes
browsing the bedroom boutique which for kinky costumes and other titillating
toys, including, no doubt, the anal intruder™.
Readers of these
letters will no doubt recall that aged Italian screen star, Sofia Loren has
promised to strip
naked should her favorite team, SSC Napoli, win promotion from the Serie B
Division of the Italian Soccer League to Serie A. Napoli will earn promotion if it finishes the season 10 points
ahead of fourth place Rimini.
Sadly, things have now
reached crisis proportions. With but
two games to go in the season, Napoli has moved 12 points clear of Rimini and
promotion is all but ensured. And,
please remember, this is not the Sofia Loren that will be doing the
The Greatest Soccer
Team in the World™ also hosts the greatest website in the world. Among the things that the guys who run that
website can check are the Google search strings that bring visitors to our
humble site. In this way, we learned
that both Carly and Summer have stalkers.
But this month, one of the search strings that resulted in a visit to
our modest site was “captain muscle”.
Look, I can’t make
this shit up. But, I’m pretty sure they
were looking for me.
That’s all for this
week. Next week Tom and Tracy have
promised to rush from the airport to the pitch to join the team in its regular
season finale against the Wild Things.
 And Andrew scored one of those.
 This is from a song called “Manchester” by the Beautiful
South. Which is a really cool band with
lots of really cool songs. And I’m not
just saying that.