There has been an unfortunate dearth (you heard me, a dearth) of Soccer Letters this summer. That's because Team Captain and Chairman for Life, Tom has been off in Paris eating fancy foreign food and taking in fancy foreign sights, instead of toiling away in front of his keyboard writing soccer letters like a good Captain should.

These are the sort of 'sights' Tom wasted his time staring at in Paris

There has also been an unfortunate dearth (yes, I said it again, a dearth) of wins this season. In three starts, Captain Tom led his team to a woeful 0-2-1 record.


2 Meter Peters: 6 Beer Barons FC: 3


Tom's holiday could not come soon enough. This was a team in need on some proper Captaining. The kind of Captaining that brings about wins and this, the very first Soccer Letter of the Summer. On a cloudy night in August, interim team Captain Peter led his demoralized squad onto the pitch to take on the heavily favoured Beer Barons, a team that sat in 9th place in the league standings; one point up on the 2 Meter Peters (a division of Bent Like Beckham Worldwide). Young Caden was there, filling in the role of Team mascot vacated by the absent Tom.

It was a brisk match, with brilliant shots and chances at both ends. But by the half, the Team was down and shuffled off the pitch a dispirited and dejected lot.

And that was when Peter showed what first rate captaining is all about. In a speech reminiscent of the climactic scene in Braveheart, he exhorted the team to get back out there and win. Win it for your mom. Win it for Tracy (pictured above, vacationing in Paris) but whatever you do, just win. And try to get the ball to Donna if you can.

This last piece of captainly wisdom seemed to do the trick. A real Britainer who once told David Beckham to 'get yer gob off me telly, you wanking twonk'[1] during an especially rambunctious evening down the pub. Donna was in town for the weekend and brought her considerable football talents along with her. She dribbled, she passed, she scored. And scored and scored (unlike Steve, who launched a Tony-esque shot so far over the cross bar we all lost sight of it, until, like Skylab, it returned to Earth and crashed inches from the front bumper of Peter's excellent new car. So much for respect for the new Captain.

When the dust had finally settled, the 2 Meter Peters (a division of Bent Like Beckham Worldwide) had prevailed and celebrated a gritty 6-3 win. A win that can be chalked up to one thing: good captaining.

And Donna.


2 Meter Peters: 1 Cheesburger Birds: 7


The 2 Meter Peters (a division of Bent Like Beckham Worldwide) put their 1 game winning streak on the line the following Sunday night against the Cheeseburger Birds. Interesting Ornithological Fact: A 'cheeseburger bird' is actually the Mountain Chickadee (Poecile gambeli) which is a small songbird of the tit[2] family (hee hee, I said 'tit') and has a distinctive call that sounds like 'cheese-burg-er cheese-burg-er, cheese-burger-cheese.'

We don't know why our opponents named themselves the Cheeseburger Birds. Perhaps it was because they were a bunch of boobs.

The game began on time and the 2 Meter Peters (a division of Bent Like Beckham Worldwide) were up 3-1 going into the half. It was then that Brian inquired of the other team's captain as to the entymology of their name. It turned out their name was 'We Like It Hot' and they were supposed to be playing on the other field against Scoregasm, who we then learned were getting pounded 5-egg by the Cheeseburger Birds.

Ha Ha, we all laughed at that confusion and then got the teams all reorganized and started off all over again. After playing one half.

With no subs.

Cheeseburger Birds. What a bunch of boobs.

So, the Peters gamely took back to the pitch for another 2 halfs and got their tits kicked in. The only highlight was Jenn 2's monstrous shot from center which curled in under the crossbar and spoiled the keeper's shut-out (Patrick, to his credit, did not shout 'nice try keeper!!').

Thus ended Peter's reign as team captain. A reign distinguished by its utter lack of distinction.

In Other Soccer News


            Team namesake, Peter Crouch was sold over the summer to Tottenham Hotspur for 10,000,000. In 4 games this season, he has 1 goal. Which is about the same as Tom has scored for the 2 Meter Peters (a division of Bent Like Beckham Worldwide). Obviously our team is getting better value than the Spurs.

            On July 15, 2009, Crouch proposed to his long time girlfriend, Abigail Clancy. There is a lesson here ... if you work hard on your football skills and score ones of goals for your team, you could end up with a girl like Abigail. So keep practicing.

            Some gratuitous pictures of Abigail Clancy:

            And a gratuitous picture of Peter Crouch:

Sorry ladies, he's taken.



[1] Roughly translated, 'Please change the channel, as Coronation Street is on and I would prefer to watch that program than an interview with David Beckham, who I find to be an idiotic Onanist.'

[2] Get your mind out of the gutter. As any ornithologist will tell you, a tit is a small songbird.