Summer Soccer Letter 6



Bent Like Beckham:    3         Team Awesomeballs:   But 2



As your eyes scanned the header on this page, you probably said to yourself, “Hey, self” you said, “whatever happened to Summer Soccer Letters 2 through 5?”


And your self would have answered, “say, that is a good question, whatever did happen to Summer Soccer Letter 2 through 5?’


And the answer is, as apparently both you and your own self were unaware, that one Tom B as in Beckham has not written them yet.  Don’t worry, I am sure he will polish them off by Christmas.  Christmas 2009, anyway.


But anyway, back to the game.  Bent Like Beckham was once again represented by a bare quorum of stalwart, stand up folks who braved inclement weather, traffic, children’s birthday parties, uxorious nagging and et c. to attend at soccer as required and as they committed to do each and every Sunday throughout the summer.


And by stalwart, I mean that Stuart, Steve, Laura, and Jenn could not find time in their no doubt busy schedules to squeeze in a little soccer match after dinner on Sunday.  For shame.


Those who did attend, were in for a treat.  The Bent Like Beckham side gave their all in pounding out a gritty, hard fought victory against a younger, faster, much better looking side than they.


But did Bent Like Beckham ever give up against a team that was younger, faster or oh my God so absolutely unbelievably better looking then them as that before?  No they did not.  And they did not on this night.


But first, let’s give a special Bent Like Beckham shout out to Jenn 2 and Donna, who showed up at the last minute to provide some much needed support and astonishing soccer skill.  So great was Jenn 2’s performance, that she was immediately promoted to Jenn 1, with the original Jenn 1 demoted, with extreme prejudice, to the ignominious position of Jenn 0.   Nice knowing you, Jenn 0, please pay your overdue registration fee on the way out.  Thanks billions.


Dangerous Donna from Manchester (or Westchester, or Worchester or one of those other god forsaken chesters, don’t expect me to remember which one) entranced us all with her beguiling British accent and her quaint English colloquialisms.  For example, when the pony-tailed young stallion on the other team pushed her aside in a futile effort to claim the ball (futile in that Donna immediately increased the distance between his eye teeth and his eyes by about 4 feet), Donna declared him to be an ‘ass tosser’. 


Apparently “ass tossser” is something they say in Liverpool, or Brighton or Stratford-Upon-Avon or whichever one of those places Donna is from.  In order to assist those of us from this side of the Atlantic in understanding just what it was Donna was talking about, I went to the Urban Dictionary ( and looked it up.  According to the Urban Dictionary, an “ass tosser” is:

one who participates in homosexual anal sex

Boy George is such an ass tosser, man. And his music sucks.

I trust that clears things up.


A few other interesting words I found in the Urban Dictionary:


jill off

The female version of jack off: unassisted autoerotic stimulation.

Her boyfriend was out of town, so she got in the hot tub to jill off.



The opposite of emasculate. To grow one's balls back after they have been shrunken by an especially effeminate activity.

God, the girlfriend dragged me to go see License to Wed... it was terrible. I had to remasculate afterwards by watching Die Hard: The Bloody Retribution.


dinner badge

Dried stains of kebab juice, curry sauce or gravy all over your shirt from messy eating.

That's an impressive dinner badge you've got there. What did you eat, pizza?


work hot

A person that may or may not be hot, but is the most attractive person in the set of people you work with so you lust after him/her.

Person 1: So this new girl at your work is she hot?

Person 2:   Hell yeah...well I mean she's work hot.



An attractive woman in her late 20s or early 30s. She is a pre-cougar/urban cougar.

I think that puma just grabbed my ass.



A person who is not only ignorant, but is also an asshole.


So … where were we?  Ah yes, speaking of ignorani, Donna had just tossed the Ass Tosser aside.  Bent Like Beckham was pressing in a tight nil-nil match when the other team (ie, the “Ass Tossers”) directed a ball vaguely/remotely in the direction of the goal.  It was then that TOM took it upon himself to clear the ball.  He chose to clear it where no one expected.  Certainly substitute goalie, Nick, never expected TOM, team captain and all around good guy, yes that TOM, to direct the ball directly into the direct center of his own goal.  But that is exactly what he did.   And that, I suppose, is why they call it an OWN GOAL.[1]


Nice going TOM.  At that point, the score was: Bent Like Beckham nil – Ass Tossers 1.


The Ass Tossers potted another before Brian, Team sniper,[2] narrowed the lead to one.  Team (opposite of) sniper, Tony had a brilliant chance just before the half, but, predictably, he kicked it onto the school across the street.


But, with that late goal, Bent Like Beckham approached the second half with cautious optimism.  They’d been down before.  They’d usually lost when they’d been down before, bit this time just felt different.  


And it was different.  Peter buried a cheeky little cross from Tracy to even the score and then Brian potted the go ahead goal[3] late in the half.  Bent Like Beckham retreated into a defensive shell (which worked for a change) and held on for a glorious 3-2 victory.  GO BEND IT!!!


Honourable mention goes to Team Rookie, Sandro,[4] who ran like the wind, nearly scored and collected $32 worth of empties from the roof of Ogden School.  Team Chilean, Fabby[5] also ran like the wind and also nearly scored, collecting her 13th, 14th and 15th goalposts of the season.


In Other Soccer News:


·               David Beckham is out for the rest of the MLS season after injuring his knee in a match against Pachuca.  A “Pachuca” is member of a girl gang.  That’s right, Beckham was taken down by a girl.  How does that $50 million a year look now, LA Galaxy?

·               The Beckhams have lost two nannies in the past month.  Apparently these young ladies felt put upon by being asked to do menial things like cook and clean up.  Which is the sort of thing nobody ever expects their nanny to do.

·               Sevilla midfielder Antonio Puerta died Tuesday, three days after collapsing on the field during his team's Spanish league match against Getafe.  Puerta died of "multiple organ failure stemming from prolonged cardiac arrest" and subsequent coronary problems.  Puerta was 22.  Let this be a lesson – if you think you are having a heart attack out there, you probably are...  


Above:  Team Captain, Tom, photographed in a quiet moment

[1] The Urban Dictionary defines “own goal” as follows:

own goal

n. a fart so obnoxious, that even he who dealt it cannot stay in its presence.

shot an own goal there didn't cha?


[2] The Urban Dictionary defines “sniper” as follows:


Upon climax in the missionary position, the male removes his penis from the vagina and rests it on the "bush", aiming for a nostril of choice to ejaculate into.  It's a long shot, but it can be done.

I gave her the sniper and she didn't even see it coming.


[3]  The Urban Dictionary defines “goal” as follows:


A reply meaning "I scored" when friends ask what happened with a girl.

"Hey Tony, what happened with that shorty from last night?"



[4] The Urban Dictionary defines “sandro” as follows


Something related to porn, especially in weird situations

(Seriously, I did not make that up.)


[5] The Urban Dictionary defines “fabby” as follows


A beautiful woman - from the Spanish 'fabuloso' meaning wonderful

Check out that fabby over there by the taquitos!  She is one mean machine!