Summer Soccer Letter 7
 


 

 

 

 

 

 

-or-

 

Tom Screws Up Again

 

Did you miss the Soccer letters?  I know I did.  But, since Tom screwed up and failed to sign us up for the Fall Indoor League, there was no soccer and, as a sad result, no soccer letters. 

 

I am distressed to report here that Tom has screwed up AGAIN … his languorous dilly dallying has cost us all a spot in the Winter Indoor League as well.  So, put your trainers on ice and find yourself a new hobby until April when maybe … MAYBE … Bent Like Beckham will play soccer again.

 

Please send all complaints and abuse directly to Tom.  Be sure to include lots of capital letters and explanation points.  Until then, you can read (and re-read and re-re-read) this overdue Soccer Letter:

 

Game Report

 

Bent Like Beckham:    3   Scoregasm:   Also 3

 

We played this game almost 4 months ago, on September 9, 2007.  I don’t remember much about it, except that Brian scored a big goal to get things going, Peter scored a big goal to tie things up at 2 (and win a pint from Tom in the “whichever one of us scores first gets a pint from the other” bet), and then, with time dwindling down to the single seconds, Brian took the ball at the centre line, dribbled down the pitch and scored the tying goal as time expired and the stars came out.   By then it was night time, overtime was an impossibility, and the game went into the books as a 3-3 draw.  Bent Like Beckham finished the season in a tie for Third Place, its best finish ever.  Huzzah!

 

In Other News

 

1.     Click here to read a very interesting article about farting.  I know that I learned a lot.  In particular:

 

·               Men fart more than women – an average of 10 times a day (vs 8 for the fairer sex).  This surprised me as I have known Tony to fart 10 times before lunchtime.

·               Women’s farts are ‘smellier’ than men’s farts.  This was scientifically determined by the following elegant experiment:

Volunteer producers -- primed by a diet of pinto beans -- farted into aluminum bags via a rectal tube. The contents of the bags were measured for volume and for sulphur concentration. (Sulphur gases give farts their foul odour.) Syringes full of gas were withdrawn from the bags and wafted by the nostrils of the unfortunate judges.

The conclusion: "Women had more sulphur gas and were judged to have more potent odour.''

·               In the 1800s Frenchman Joseph Pujol apparently became so adept at controlling his flatulence flow he could sound musical notes. Called "le Petomane'' - the fartiste - he was reputedly the highest paid performer in France at his prime.   This begs the question of who among us is in need of a colourful nickname?  Steve?  Sandro?  Stuart?      Because Le Fartiste would be a good one.

 

2.     Disappointed with all the crap you got for Christmas?  Join the club.  Club Chairman Emeritus David Beckham bought Victoria a book for Christmas.  But not just any book:  This was a splashy $1500 limited edition tome about Vicki’s favourite fashion designer, Valentino Garavani.   Yeah, I’ve never heard of him, either.

 

3.     David Beckham is advertising underwear for Armani.  According to Victoria, “He does have a huge one, though. He does. You can see it in the advert. It is all his. It is like a tractor exhaust pipe!"  Whatever.  Here you go Stuart, judge it for yourself:

 

 

 

4.     The Rest of this Soccer Letter is About Nipples

 

No Nipples For Napoli

 

72 year old Sophia Loren, who previously promised to bare all if her beloved Napoli side won promotion in the Italian Serie B Liga has reneged on the deal.   She now claims that it was “only a joke”.   Let me be the first to say, on behalf of men everywhere, Thank God.  Thank you Lord.  Thank you so very, very much.

 

Victoria Beckham Goes To Venice

 

 

Soon Afterwards, Vicki Had Those Bad Boys Taken Down

 

Victoria is currently on tour with the reunited Spice Girls playing in front of crowds of hundreds of fans.  But, in preparation for this tour, she seems to have had a dramatic image makeover:  

 

 

A spokesman says that Victoria’s remarkable decline is a result of her no longer wearing the push up bra she usually does.

 

Uh huh.

 

 

 

 

That’s it for Soccer Letters until April.  If you are still unhappy about that, remember:  Blame Tom.   Write early, write often.