Herewith the long awaited, much missed and soon to be profoundly disappointing Summer Soccer Letter Number 1.† Tom is supposed to write these things, but he
a) canít figure out how to make his new computer work
b) is way too busy
c) canít spell very well
d) some or all of the above
So it falls to the other guy to summarize the season to date.† And what a season it has been Ö
Bent Like Beckham:† 3†† †† Scoregasm:† 5
Bent Like Beckham opened its season the way it always seems to, against the orange clad Ė fleet footed Ė high scoring Scoregasm side.† Sure, they have a clever name, and their game shirts look great, but Iím tired of playing these guys and getting beat by them every single time.†
And thatís all I have to say about that.
Bent Like Beckham:† 7†† †† Non-Athletico Football Union: †1
That was more like it.† Bent Like Beckham cruised into the win column with a stunning display of running, dribbling and scoring, scoring, scoring.††
In the end, the Non-Athletico Football Union was simply unprepared for BLBís aerial attack.† Peter got the scoring started by heading a ball past the NAFUís enormous keeper.† Seriously, this guy was the size of a Burger King.† He was huge.†
Not to be outdone, Brian headed home the teamís second goal.† A bunch more goals followed, most of them scored by Tony, before Nick finished off the scoring with a brilliant header of his own.†
The only way that the NAFU side could score was by finding the one part of Stuartís body which was not wrapped in Kevlar padding and driving a knee or an elbow or a nose or some other pointy body part into it.†† With the BLB keeper thus crippled, the NAFU were able to dribble the ball across the line for one measly pathetic little goal.†
Stuart has regained feeling in his leg and hopes to one day walk again.†
Bent Like Beckham:† 10†† Sex Panther By Odeon: †6
I didnít actually see any of this game, because I was in New York:
You might ask yourself, what sort of a name for a soccer team is Sex Panther By Odeon?† Etymologically speaking, it derives from a scene in the Will Ferrell ďcomedyĒ, Anchorman, where Will Ferrellís character, Ron Burgundy, discusses colognes with his friend, Brian Fantana: †
Ron Burgundy: †What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard's Delight.
Brian Fantana: No, she gets a special cologne... It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. †It's illegal in nine countries ... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.
Ron Burgundy: It's quite pungent.
Brian Fantana: Oh yeah.
Ron Burgundy: It's a formidable scent ... It stings the nostrils. †In a good way.
Brian Fantana: Yep.
Ron Burgundy: Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.
And it is fair to say that Sex Panther By Odeon, like the cologne for which it is named, smells like pure gasoline.† Not only are they smelly, they are led by brick shithouse of a man, known to his friends and enemies alike only as the Samoan.† †
As was expected, the Samoan scored six goals.† But our man Brian got seven.† Thatís right, seven (7) goals.† Goals off his toes, his knees, his hips and, yes, even his nards.† A veritable cornucopia of goals.† So, the two goals that Tom scored were, in the end, entirely unnecessary.
Almost as unnecessary as Tomís superfluous scoring was Patrickís entirely unwarranted body check on a girl half his size.† Pat, get those brakes checked, man, before someone gets killed.†
Happily, we understand that the slip of a girl that Pat hit has regained feeling in her spine and hopes to one day walk again.
Bent Like Beckham:† 7†† †† Predators:† 5
It is no exaggeration to say that this game was, perhaps, the greatest football match ever contested in the history of soccer.† The Predators, a team brimming with youth, speed and skill, faced off against the stalwart men and women of Bent Like Beckham -- A team of little youth, speed and skill, but a team with considerable cunning and some guile.
The Bent side arrived with an injury list
the length of the Stettler telephone directory:† Jenn 2 was out (barbeque), as was Patrick (barbeque) and Tony
(boat).††† But did that stop BLB?† Not a chance.† With but one sub on the sidelines, Bent Like Beckham took
to the pitch and schooled the young Ďuns in the grand old game of
football.† Only three minutes in, Brian
collected a pass at mid-field and broke in alone for the first score of the
game.† Ten minutes later, Brian took a
pass at midfield, and broke in alone for the gameís second score.† Brianís third breakaway goal was a beauty,
but not as nice as his fourth one.† On
that play, Brian collected a pass at midfield and broke in alone and scored.
At the other end of the field, Tina was taking care of business on defence.† Nothing could get past her.† She blocked the ball with her left toe, her right shin, her left boob and then with her right face.
And then things started to get rough out there.† With time running down on the first half, a Predatorsí forward raked his spikes down the calf of tenacious defender, Tracy.† Tracy left the game for only a minute, just long enough to gulp down a shot of bourbon, bite a bullet, wrap a tourniquet around her thigh and amputate her injured leg just below the knee.† And even though she played the second half on but one leg, she was still a force.
With Tracy hobbled, the Predators made it close.† But not close enough.† Tomís arcing shot from center floated in over the keeperís reach and stood up as the game winner.† In the end, both of Tomís goals proved to be entirely necessary. †††
David and Victoria Beckham recently saw a basketball game in LA.† You would think nothing could go wrong if you got your girl courtside seats Ö.