The Greatest Soccer Team in the World

The Team

Name: Tom

Position: Team Captain and All Around Great Guy.

Uniform Number: T

Nicknames: The Big T, Twinkle Toes, Twinkie, Dr. Rasputin, Tiny Tom, Mr. Wake, The Intruded. 

Signature Move: Dribbling the ball down the wing, weaving around and through the entire opposing roster, then coughing it up to a slow, awkward girl. Tom likes him a slow, awkward girl.

Name: Peter

Position: Team Co-Captain and Passably Decent Fellow.

Uniform Number: 8"

Nicknames: Bruiser, The Peach, The Ol Lady, Under 39 Minutes and it's Free, Captain Muscle, the Wannabe, Moustache Pete.

Signature Move: Long leisurely shifts typically spent wandering aimlessly around the pitch. Running in straight lines -- He just can't help himself ... Peter has the turning radius of a cruise ship.

Name: Tony

Position: Team Goon

Uniform Number: .44

Nicknames: The Big Toe, Sir Kicks-A-Lot, Mongo, Stompin' Tony Connors, Man-Boobs, JT Hay

Signature Move: Shooting wide. Shooting high. Just Shooting. Unsuccessfully hitting on other team members.

Name: Tracy

Position: Math and French Coach

Uniform Number: π

Nicknames: The Intruder; Elbows McGee, Rocky's Sister, Red. 

Signature Move: Putting in a full ninety minutes on defence, offence and every kind of fence. Taking a licking and keeping on ticking. Playing through injuries that would stop a charging Rhino, unlike a certain waif-like husband she could mention.

Name: Philippe

Position: French Cultural Liason

Uniform Number: Le Numero Trois

Nicknames: Thunder Foot; Phil; The Flying Frenchman; Freedom Fries; Monsieur M; Le Premiere Etoile; Le Philippe Phantastique; je vous me bendez, n'est pas?

Signature Move: "KA-BOOM" (La Boom!). Philippe's Signature Move entails hammering the ball at the Opposing Team's Goal, this is usually followed by a thundering "KA-BOOM" as the sound barrier is broken when his foot connects with the ball. Whether there are Opposing Players, his own Team; Nuns, Small Children; or elderly women eating toffee in the path of the ball, they all hit the floor as the ball screams past them. So far this Season, 47 people have been hospitalized from being in front of a ball hit by Philippe.


Name: Brian

Position: Team Super Star

Uniform Number: 99

Nickname: Townie, Golden Foot; Mrs. Beckham; Breanne's Chore-Boy; Sanjaya; Ben Nevis; Shooter; Hey You.

Signature Move: Goals. (Obviously). That and doing the Necrimonicon when the playoffs are on.  


Name: Roy

Position: Special Teams Coach

Uniform Number: No. 1

Nickname: Roy-Boy; Budd Lite; A Wee Dram; One Grotty Little Gnome; The Dungeon Master.

Signature Move: Making other people run around cones. Making them run around cones a lot. In his spare time, Roy enjoys winning beard growing contests


Name: Stuie

Position: Team Keeper

Uniform Number:U50

Nickname: The Stuminator; Sir Stuart of Tudor Manor; Robo-Stu; The Wall; The Pope; Johnny Five-Hole; Mamma's Boy; Ned Flanders; The Pink Stallion

Signature Move: Making even the most routine plays seem like an adventure. Clearing the ball with extreme prejudice. Additional moves include symbolically adding an extra piece of equipment after each game. Favourite Piece of Equipment - Hockey Helmet.


Name: Patrick

Position: Team IT Support

Uniform Number: 6.022 × 1023

Nicknames: St Paddy; Size 15; 2 Meter Patrick

Signature Move: Stealing the other team's passwords and identities; reprogramming microchips; blocking shots with his soft bits

Name: Brigette

Position: Team Separatist

Uniform Number: -1

Nicknames: La Brigette

Signature Move: Standing tall on defence and conducting referenda


Name: Dave

Position: Team Rookie

Uniform Number:  47 or so

Nicknames: The New Guy, "Hey, Fetch Me a Soda, New Guy"

Signature Move:   Tearing down the field with only the vaguest notion of how the offside rule works


Name: Claudia

Position: Team Chilean

Uniform Number:  Lucky 13

Nicknames: Chile Con Carne, Chile-Changa, Pisco Sour

Signature Move:   Pounding a flight of tequila shots before each game, threatening extreme violence to the other side.  These two signature moves may be related.


Name: Sandro

Position: Team Nurse

Uniform Number:  98.6°

Nicknames: Nurse Jacky, the Karate Kid, Head Shot

Signature Move:   Retrieving balls from school roof tops, retrieving balls from girls on the other team with extreme prejudice